Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days & Simulate living onboard a Royal Naval ship once more!
1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag. .
2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.
3. Wash your underwear every night in a bucket and hang it over the water pipes to dry.
4. Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes and say, “sorry mate, wrong pit.”
5. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.
6. When you shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.
7. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are sick!!
8. Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and then set it to high.
9. Don’t watch TV, just play DVD’s in the middle of the night. Have your family vote for the film they would most like to see, and show a different one.
10. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for engineers)
11. Have a paperboy cut your hair with blunt scissors:
12. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional – cold soup or ravioli out of a tin.
14. Produce a weekly menu without checking what’s in the larder or fridge.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times throughout the night, when it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and turn on the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart, then re-assemble.
17. Use four spoons of coffee per cup. Allow to stand three hours before drinking.
18. Invite 40 – 50 people who you don’t like to come and stay with you for 3 months.
19. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, and then lie underneath it to read books.
20. Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all the doors in your house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.
21. When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst it is in the oven. When it has cooled spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.
22. Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout, “man overboard’’. Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea.
23. Nickname your favourite shoes “Steamies”, and then get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.
24. Meticulously plan family trips months in advance, then cancel them an hour
before you set off.
Taken from the Shadow — https://www.hms-penelope.com/
